DIFFERENT

new-born

“Your baby is here” the attendant tells me.

“Here, take him and hold him” she says to me but I turn away.

“I don’t love him.”  I think within me.

Or do i?

Who is this pink little thing they say came out of me?

Wriggling, so small!

So delicate!

 

Oh, the pain! The pain!

It was a torturous one.

This my first child;

I yearned for him and I got him.

I got him.

I was lucky; I didn’t have to wait like some others.

 

Congratulations! They said as my bulge progressed.

“It’s a boy”, they chorused when he finally came out

But I have no joy

I cannot love him.

How can i?

32 hours I laboured for him.

Just to see him but he delayed.

He didn’t want me;

So I thought.

Shouts of “don’t be tired”

“keep pushing”  got me going.

But he still delayed.

“It is because he is your first.” They said but I ignored.

“you are a woman, so you have to bear it”

 

He wants to suckle, I hear someone say as she interrupts my thoughts .

I look up and there he is shouting his head off.

I keep staring.

Not understanding.

“Take him and feed him” the exasperated woman finally says.

“Behave like a mother!

You birthed him

You carried him in you!”

They chant!

It was a mantra.

 

depressed-womanI wish to.

I want to.

But, they don’t see that.

“Please take him” I whimper

“I can’t!”

 

To have some tiny being latch onto my breasts now?

I can’t deal.

What an invasion!

Of my being!

My body!

My privacy!

 

“Don’t be selfish”

“You have a responsibility now!”

“There is no privacy’

You live for him now!”

 

They think I am selfish.

Well, maybe I am

But, I also know I am not.

Deep within, I feel it.

It calms me.

 

I will love you, my babe

I will feed you,

take care of you and bring you up

No one will take you away from me

But…….

 

I just need time

I guess I am different from others

Who love Immediately

I love you

But I can’t express it yet.

I don’t even know you yet.

 

Let your dad play my role for a while

While I get well for you both

This sickness is in my head

My mind!

I feel like something has left me

I feel guilty;

guilty because I feel used.

I feel l don’t have any control anymore;

over anything.

I can’t even look at your dad.

I hope he understands. I still love him.

I just have to learn;

Learn;

Learn to love

Learn how to love you!

 

Deep, this pain is

Refusing to leave me

History will tell the story

How a mother refused her child, her love

Her own child!

But they won’t tell my story

My story of woe and anguish

Of distraught at knowing I am different from other women

Of misunderstanding

How cannot I love my own seed?

They should know,

I need time

Just time.

 

 

Babe, my little one,

Give me time!

I need time

Time to love you!

 

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